Urine, Baby Mama's and a Target!

So I’m at Target to get a gift for my friend’s baby. And I go on a Saturday morning. Now you are probably saying “TTB! Why would you be so stupid enough to walk into a Target on a weekend?!” And to top it off “ it’s the first of the month….wake up, wake up wake up ( Ok, I’ll stop on the “Bone Thugs in Harmony ” theme)! So you know the only thing going in Target on the first of the month is some welfare, disability, public assistance, baby mama’s with their custody check cashing heffas with their wild ass kids running up and down the isles! So you know I am in complete HELL!


So I decided that I needs some towels to wash off my car. Because no one can use those Target towels for anything else. They feel like fucking sandpaper after one wash! And I see this mother and her three kids down the same towel isle. So my best way to avoid getting into a scurry is just to check another towel isle. So I do. Not more than a second goes by and this bitch brings her ass and those wild ass kids down the same isle. So I again move back to the original towel isle. And not more than two minutes go by and here she comes again.


Now at this point. I am about to start breathing fire! She must have some idea that I am trying to avoid her and shop in peace. BUT NO! She then walks over to me and say “ Did anybody tell you that you could be on T.V ”?. I said “ No “ and smiled and moved on. She then came up to me again and said “ Because you got one of them funny faces but you ain’t ugly. You just got a funny face.” I said “thank you” and moved away further. She then came over to me again and said “ You really should try out for some T.V. Have you ever thought about doing that show “ I Love New York”?! I look to my left and I see that one of her kids is peeing from his diaper and playing with some of the towels. And yes. Urine is getting on the towels on the lower racks.


So I said “ look”! You need to clean up your kid because he is peeing on himself and it‘s getting on some of the towels. And she said “ I’ll take care of him in a minute. Did you hear what I just said or are you going to ignore me”?. I felt the blood boil inside my body. Things began to look like an earthly kaleidoscope. My hands began to tremble. The Target began to turn fiery red and the pungent smell of brimstone filled the air! You got it folks………….I was about to jump into some ass!


I said “ LOOK LADY!!!! I don’t give flying fuck what you think my face looks like! I am here to get some towels. You need to change your child’s diaper and you need to leave me the fuck alone”! Oh you know that was not going to go over well with Ms. County Check 2007! Her face began to change and started to resemble one of Satan’s creatures! “ Look mutha fuckah! I was just trying to be nice to your fucked up looking ass! You didn’t have to be so fucking rude you cracked out looking mutha fuckah“ she said as I realized that the smell of brimstone was actually coming from her mouth ! That bitch was in desperate need of some Trident “Cool Mint” !


I then lowered my tone and said “ Look! I am sorry I went off on you but I just did not want to be bothered. I just came here to get some towels and leave”. Her face shifted back into human form and she said “ I was just trying to be nice and I still don’t appreciate how you came off on me like that”. She went on to ramble for another five minutes more. I had went into “ guy mode” which is a ancient technique where us guys transcend our minds to another place while a female is talking about nothing that has to do with football or having sex. The good one’s like myself can look you in the eye and smile as my mind is drifting on a white cloud watching the USC vs. LSU collage football match up in my mind and eating corn nuts and drinking a Samuel Adams.


I then preceded to help her carry the piss covered baby and the two other monsters to the bathroom. She changed him as I watched her two other kids ( Yes, she let a complete stranger watch her kids while she was in the bathroom changing her baby!). She came out and we talked for a few minutes more. I knew I might have went off on her too soon. And felt kinda bad. She left for the cashier’s line and waved good bye. I must admit. I learned a lot from that experience. I learned to try to control my temper because in this day and age you NEVER know who you could be yelling at. And especially a woman capable of killing you in front of her kids. And damn! My “guy mode” voiding out skills are improving. I think I’m ready to get married now! Any takers?!


I’m outta here!