Ok. So my mom was watching TV and decided to be "tricked" by that Alan Thicke commercial where he is pushing the wonderful world of "Tahitian Village" in Las Vegas. After begging me to go with her and promising me that it was for only one day. I dedcided to see how she is wasting my money by going to this money trap!
We fly there and are greeted by a representative from the Village and driven to this hidden paradise! We knew something was wrong when we find out that we are getting on the freeway and DRIVING PAST DOWNTOWN VEGAS! We kept going about 10 more miles and we are saying to ourselves WTF! We get off the freeway and go about 5 more miles and we can see it. And I must admit. It looked nice from the outside. We drive up to the front and are greeted by more Tahitian cronnies dressed in Hawaian shirts and dress pants. And some of these people looked like if you got their name and put it through the Vegas police computer...............the bitch would blow up from all the priors it would have to print out!
So then we are whisked away to this convention room with 200 other couples ( suckers). And are welcomed by a guy named "Dan". No last name.........just "Dan". He began explaining all the wonderful things going on at Tahitian Village. And how it was made for the young at heart party crowd ( sorry mom)! He explained that every room is a hidden paradise and how you can close your eyes and think you were really in Tahiti ( yea..............if Tahiti was near the fucking Sun! It was over 100 degrees).
We then are forced to watch this crappy as movie about all the luxury that Tahitian Village has to offer. This film felt like it was "Gone With The Fucking Wind" ! Except that movie was somewhat entertaing and NOT AS LONG as this 3 hour spectacle of horse shit!
We then are whisked away to the registration desk to sign in and issued a room. Because of my so called celebrity status ( yea......right). We were issue to one of the better proprties on the plantation. The outside employees hardly smiled and I feel as if they didn't have their prison forelow program at this hell hole. They would be down on the strip handing out porno cards!
The 3 bedroom paradise they showed us was nice. Queen size beds and a LARGE bathroom. And it had Satilite TV and a kick ass kitchen. So TTB?! What could ever be so possibly wrong?! It had roaches! Yes people.........roaches! I am kicking it on top of one of these wonderful beds and I look off to the side and see a minture version of " The Black Spiderman" crawling on the wall. I got up, got a shoe and a cup and whacked this shit outta that animal!
Then I called the office and told them I had a roach in my room. And you know what they told me?. WE DON'T HAVE ROACHES AT TAHITIAN VILLAGE! I said " Your'e right............... because by nature's standards it would be too damn fucking big to be called a roach! In fact I don't know how it even got it's big ass up the wall"! Then Mr. I.Q said " Then it might have came from you bags"!
BITCH!! Do you know who the fuck I am?! You fucking low class doorknob! I don't have roaches poising as alligators in my house! What they fuck is wrong with you?! Did you take you meds?! The tool then said I was being rude and apologized for insinuating such an outlandious comment! Too late mo fo! The damage had allready been done. I asked for a rep ( prefferably a manger) to bring their ass over here and witness the carcass themsleves!
They brought over some "Barney Fye" looking mother fucker over to our suite who gave the "weakest performance" of a concerned employee I have seen! Not since I was given a barely speaking English apology from a Cambodian lady who poured soup on my ass at "The Panda House". Have ever seen such fake ass sympathy! I was beyond pissed but I wasn't going to ruin my mother's experience.
So the clown said he would get a cleaning team to go over the room while he treated us to a spa treatment. We got over there and the room was so fucking hot! I felt my skin frying! They apologized because their air conditioning blew out and they were giving messages out near the pool. Ok.................so we follow them out to a cabana, changed into a robe, and then walked to the pool. We get there and there must have been a "poor white trash" convention in town ! there was this " Larry The Cable Guy" looking fucker and his inbred girlfriend making all kinds of noises in the pool. So we get on the message bed and try to relax and I swear to God. They started fucking in the pool! all kinds of nasty noises were coming from that pool. Now they thought they were being private because they were hiding behind a big tree.
So I look at my massuse and she just smiled as to say "those whacky kids"! I was so disgusted that I just could not relax! I went back to the room and I thought I was in a scene from " Ghostbusters". Three guys wearing white jumpsuits spraying I don't know what around the outside and inside the room. what ever it was.........it smelled like ass and feet!
At this point I was so ready to go! But my mom was having the time of her life! I then walked down to the bar for a large drink. The bartender was gay and totally was flirting with me ( uh......ok). This just was the cherry on top of the ice cream! How could it get any worse?.
At night we were entertained by "Lighting" a rock tribute band that sounded like "pure ass"! and the lead singer came over to my mother during a song singing "Lady" from Styx! I thought I was going to puke blood! He then kissed her hand and blew her a kiss. Just fucking kill me now!
The next day we were asked to rate our stay and offered a once in a lifetime offer to purchase a suite. You gotta be fucking kidding me! I left that tropical paradise knowing I would never see that hell hole again!
The next time I see Mr. Thicke............I'm kicking him in the nuts!
I'm outta here!
